Contemplating divorce can be emotionally demanding. You must consider emotional and practical issues and ask yourself whether you are doing the right thing. Luckily, you can initiate the divorce procedure once you are fully ready. The following checklist can help you make the appropriate choices for yourself, your children, and your soon-to-be ex while safeguarding your interests before the divorce begins. The questions can also aid you in determining whether your marriage is worth ending or why it could be the best time to work on your issues.
Is There a Total Breakdown in Your Marital Relationship?
The first fundamental and crucial question is whether the relationship is salvageable or broken down. The Family Code defines the date of separation and determines whether there is a final, complete breakdown of your marital relationship.
The total breakdown means it is the right time to file for divorce.
The Family Code 70 declares that:
- One partner told the other about their motive for terminating the marriage.
- The partner's behavior aligns with their intention to annul the marriage.
- When deciding the date of separation, the judge will consider all evidence presented.
When determining the appropriate time to file for divorce, consider the following in the Family Code 70:
- Are you still interested in remaining married to your current partner?
- Have you notified the other spouse?
If your answer to the above questions is yes, you may have even started living separately from your partner.
If you deem there has been a final breakdown in the marriage, consider carefully whether that is a good enough signal to proceed with the divorce.
Are There Any Alternatives to Terminating the Marriage?
Look back on when the marriage worked and the values it was based on. What changed and why? Remember the reasons driving the urge to terminate your marriage. Are there other options instead of this radical decision?
If you conclude that you no longer connect as a couple, have a second thought. It could be that you did not clearly communicate your concerns or did not express yourself.
Sometimes, expressing your concerns is not enough to be heard because you and your spouse are human. Your spouse is imperfect and may only sometimes understand what makes you happy.
What Is Your Accountability in the Marriage Problem?
Could you have contributed to the marriage difficulties you have been facing? One of the hardest questions you need to ask yourself is your role in the matter. If you are truthful enough with yourself, that could be a good turning point for your union.
Reflect on your actions and reactions to ensure you do not unintentionally frustrate your spouse. You may feel that the connection with your partner has become weakened, while in reality, your significant other can just be withdrawing because of a lack of understanding or emotional pain, mainly if they are introverted.
Are you sure you have fully addressed your spouse’s fears, wants, hates, expectations, and loves? Were you emotionally available when your partner needed help? Did you request your spouse's help when in need, or did you create a storm because your spouse could not read your mind?
Furthermore, if you are running from specific issues in a marriage, you may face them in your next one. For instance, if you find your current spouse boring, you might not cope with boredom with a new partner.
Has the Separation Period Failed or Was Reconciliation Impossible?
A trial separation is a period where a couple separates to try and salvage their marriage without rushing into the divorce process. The period intends to provide both parties with adequate space and time away from one another to figure things out.
Nevertheless, if the trial separation does not restore your marriage, that could indicate that filing for divorce is inevitable.
Is Waiting Beneficial?
It is unwise to hurry into divorce. A helpful way to avoid rash decisions is to ask your attorney thoughtful questions about divorce matters.
There is a great reason you should wait before filing for divorce. An instance would be waiting and trying marital counseling, which can potentially lead to the restoration of your marriage. Counseling is ideal if you are both hesitant to end your relationship but cannot find another way out.
Has One Spouse Become Indifferent?
Even when there are emotions like disappointment, sadness, or anger, the spouses are still invested in their relationship. Issues arise when a partner is emotionally detached and does not care about their relationship enough to make an effort. Consequently, the individual fails to support, empathize, or connect with their spouse, leaving them starved for validation, intimacy, and connection. If your spouse is indifferent, it might be the right time to end your union.
Is There Mutual Respect?
For your union to succeed, there must be mutual respect. If your spouse constantly rejects or dismisses you and your feelings, boundaries, and thoughts, those can be grounds for a dissolution of marriage. You do not deserve or want to tolerate poor treatment in your life.
You can resolve the lack of respect. Nevertheless, if the incidents are pervasive or your significant other hesitates to change, ending your marriage could be wise.
Did Your Spouse Cheat on You?
Cheating is often a solid reason for the dissolution of marriage, especially if the cheating spouse is hesitant to fix the damage or end their affair. Dedication and trust are paramount for a healthy relationship, while infidelity results in intense pain, impacting your standpoint on your marriage and partner. Although some people work through the issues, moving on might be necessary if you can never trust your spouse.
Can You Afford the Dissolution of Marriage Both Financially and Psychologically?
Divorce is both financially draining and stressful. After parting ways, you will have to pay bills without your spouse’s support. That is why you should be relaxed and make informed decisions.
Assess how much you will require to pay your monthly bills or consult a financial advisor. If you have children together, determine how you and your soon-to-be ex will share your financial obligations to prevent future conflicts. Remember, you want to avoid filing for dissolution of marriage and then turn out to be needy.
What Are Your Intentions in Wanting a Divorce?
Any reason other than ending your union could mean you are not ready for the dissolution of marriage. If you think your spouse will change and realize how much they have hurt you or lost, you are filing for divorce for the wrong reasons.
Divorce neither rectifies things nor changes an individual’s mind and heart. Instead, it ends a union and frees the involved parties to form new attachments with other people.
Can You Deal With the Unpleasant Impact of Dissolution of Marriage?
Divorce comes with grief and change because the dream of a “happy family” might not become a reality. Inadequacy, rejection, failure, loneliness, hurt, and disappointment can take the psyche when you are in this vulnerable situation. To be prepared for the effects of divorce, it is crucial to have a support system that can help you practically and emotionally.
One challenging impact of the dissolution of marriage is facing other people’s pain, be it your family members or children. If you initiate the divorce proceedings, you should be prepared to stick to your decision in the face of all circumstances and people. To know you are ready, ask yourself whether you are prepared for the changes below:
- Your finances, traditions, or lifestyle
- Your children’s anger, sadness, and resentment
- Moments of fear, the unknown, and insecurity
Have You Solved Your Internal Conflict Over Your Divorce?
Every person going through a divorce is conflicted. You can feel guilty, and simultaneously, you are sure you want to end your marriage. You could also recognize that your life will be better after you leave your marriage and simultaneously feel betrayed. Acknowledging that the divorce will cause various parts of you to struggle is part of preparing for the dissolution of the marriage.
Are You Willing to Create a New Relationship as Co-Parents?
Simply because your marriage has ended does not mean your relationship will end. If you have children together, you will always be parents, and you must create a new relationship as co-parents. While it can be challenging to interact with your soon-to-be ex, you should find ways to be peaceful. You should be ready to set aside your ego and put your babies’ interests above yours.
Have You Grown Apart as a Couple?
It is a typical reason for the dissolution of marriage cases; two individuals connected by common interests and goals have changed and grown in different directions.
You need to ask yourself the following:
- Do you share the same values and grounds?
- When you look into your future, do you see yourself drifting away from your spouse or growing closer?
- Are there chances of finding each other again and reconnecting?
Do You and Your Partner Still Love One Another?
There were reasons why you married your current spouse. You want to spend your life with them because you loved them. Do you remember these reasons whenever you think about or see your spouse? Do you see them in your future?
You should ask yourself if you have adequate love before filing for divorce.
Do You Have a Common Ground on Essential Matters?
For a relationship to work, there must be commonality, mainly regarding essential matters and core values. Needs like deciding the number of children to bear and place of residence can be sources of detachment and resentment if you disagree. If your spouse fails to meet you halfway on the issues or your needs are worlds apart, you might want to end your marriage.
Is Your Communication Ineffective or Absent?
Healthy communication in a marriage creates a space for you as a couple to share your feelings and thoughts, express your needs, set healthy boundaries, know how to handle relationship conflicts amicably and resolve issues that might arise before they become problematic. It enables you to feel emotionally connected to each other, create deep levels of intimacy, and become more confident. The conversation will also help you to become more open and vulnerable, reinforcing your relationship’s foundation.
Nevertheless, when a couple has poor communication, the partners feel emotionally disconnected and unsafe. They feel alone in the marriage, frustrated, and unimportant. They are not optimistic about the marriage’s longevity because there are no chances of repairing and healing past wounds. It keeps them in negative communication patterns, making interacting and resolving conflicts hard. If this describes your situation, you might need to work on parting ways.
Are You Avoiding Your Spouse?
If you keep avoiding your partner daily, then it could be the end of your marriage. Generally, individuals avoid confrontations with their spouses either because they:
- Do not want to address the issue, or
- Are afraid of their physical or mental health after the confrontation.
If you fear being your true self in front of your significant other because you are afraid of being abused or ridiculed, then you should contemplate divorce. Please note that abuse can be emotional.
California is a no-fault state, and the court does not require you to verify the cause of dissolution of marriage for bringing a no-fault divorce. Therefore, you do not have to wait until you file a police report or record your spouse abusing you to end your marriage.
Are You in Marriage Because of Your Children?
Although your child could be your everything, they are not everything in your marriage. You married your spouse, not your babies, and deserve a partner, not just a co-parent.
While your child could be unhappy after you part ways, they will recover better in the long run than children whose parents live together in an abusive home.
Are You Thinking About Life After the Dissolution of Marriage?
Have you made a list of your future without your partners? Have you created pseudo-dating accounts out of curiosity about what is out there? Thinking about the end of your union enough to start planning indicates you are prepared to move on.
Divorcing your spouse does not mean your ex-spouse will be entirely out of your life, mainly if you have children. It could mean sharing your children’s custody, marital debts, and marital property. However, it could be time to split if you have already weighed this reality and have developed a contingency plan.
Do You Keep Fantasizing Being in a Relationship with Other People?
Thinking about another relationship or person more than your partner indicates a failed marriage. Fantasizing about having an affair with somebody else is a way of escaping your current situation. It is wise to address the underlying issues contributing to the desire and thoughts before calling it quits.
Do You Think of Each Other as a “We”?
Each solid relationship functions as a unit. So, when you begin to speak about your situations and plans in terms of “me” and “I” instead of “us” or “we,” your divorce might be on the horizon.
While independence is healthy and normal, functioning alone means things are not working. You could be in the process of preparing to end your union and not building a future together.
Were You Ever Married?
To be married, the spouses should create a relationship that includes a “we’ or “us.” Most individuals contemplating divorce had a marriage with two people meeting their needs. While they might have shared a roof and bore and raised children, they engaged in these activities from competitive positions. They could ask, “Do I want to do that or this?” instead of “Is it beneficial to us?’’
If you think you are not married, this could be the ideal time to either devote yourself to learning how to be married or file for your divorce.
How Will Divorce Affect Your Retirement?
Obtaining a gray divorce has different repercussions for a younger couple. You are close to retirement and have a higher chance of developing a disability or disease. Living on a fixed income means your life after the divorce will change; you and your spouse will share your income, but your expenses will remain.
If you are contemplating divorce, create a cash flow inventory. If your income does not pay your expenses, you should think of either:
- Working on your marriage
- Increasing your employment
- Downsizing
Another factor to consider is your healthcare insurance. If you and your spouse have been using a long-term care policy, consider whether you can continue using the coverage.
Contact a Qualified Family Law Attorney Near Me
Getting married is a big decision that affects your family, legal rights, legal responsibility, love life, and future. Living a married life permits you and your partner to know each other better, understand one another, and support each other through thick and thin. That is why it is hard to contemplate divorce. Asking yourself and your significant other the right questions before filing for divorce can be worthwhile and save your union. A Los Angeles Divorce Lawyer can help you answer these questions, and if you are ready to file your dissolution of marriage, we can help you navigate the process seamlessly. Please contact us at 310-695-5212 to book your initial consultation and case review.
